Monday, August 27, 2012

Scarry stuff...

No, I'm not writing about a book tonight - though I'm reading two at the same time right now.  I'll let y'all know my thoughts on one of them when I finish...

I did feel like writing about something in my personal life - yeah! gasp!  Me - writing about my person life?  I haven't done that in a long time.  I don't know why I don't really write about my personal stuff, but I just felt like writing about it tonight.

Almost two weeks ago I went in for a regular ole, yearly, routine, something that every woman over 40 needs to do though it's torture, mammogram.  I went went it, got tortured, then left without thinking about it anymore.  I expected the usual response that I got earlier that week for the other stuff - all hunky dori normal and I didn't have to think about it anymore until next year.

Well, I wasn't so lucky...

I was told that I had something show up on the mammogram and that I needed to go back for followup mammograms and should see a specialist just to make sure everything was okay.  I really thought everything was going to be okay because my first mammogram showed some weird stuff in it too and they just said that it wasn't anything to worry about.

I don't know why this time is so different, but I've had more appointments in the past few days than I'd ever care to have for the rest of my life!  On Friday I have one doc say that she didn't see anything and that everything is fine.  She even went on to mention that the report she got didn't match what she saw on her ultrasound... but today I had not only another painful mammogram session, and had another ultrasound - and I actually saw something on there!!!!  I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest... everything else around the tissue was just kind of grey with some white going through here and there - but that black spot stood out to where an untrained eye like mine could see it.

Now, I was told that most likely that it's a lymph node and that there's nothing to worry about, but they wanted me to come back in 6 months just to make sure.  If this whole thing is "nothing", why do I need to go back in 6 months?

Oh goodness, I don't need this kind of stress.  I just want the next 6 months to pass so they can say "Okay, it really is nothing to worry about - see you again in a year!". 

When I was first told last week that the mammogram last week was not normal, it's true that the nurse didn't explain it very well to me and I misunderstood something, but it really freaked me out.  I felt so bad for my co-workers and manager.  I am not usually such a cry baby, but I've broken down crying in front of my co-works 3 times already!  I've only been there for 6 months!  Yeah, I think I'm back to cry baby status.  All I could think about was what was going to happen to my husband and kids if something happened?  I didn't worry about myself, all of my thoughts concentrated on my family.  Oh crap, just remember that day has started the water works again...

So, in 6 months I'm expecting my own fairy tail happy ending with puppy dogs, rainbows and singing lolly pops when my doc tells me that I don't have anything to worry about.... but in the mean time, I'll continue just doing what I always do. 

Take care,


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